Intern Chick

With that said, you can imagine my excitement when I brought my evaluation to Internship #1 and Internship #3.  I decided not to do one for #2 because my boss for this job was also my boss last year and is always giving me feedback on my job performance (aka, I know she thinks I do a good job).  Last Friday I brought my evaluation in to Internship #3 and asked that they give it to me sometime before my last day.  They gave it to me on Monday.

I should have known something was up.  Honestly...what else are you supposed to think when you boss asks you questions like "Do we give this evaluation to you directly?  We don't fax it to anybody?" and "We don't seal this up?  You read this?"  I couldn't imagine what would be so bad, I work really hard at Internship #3 and I even braved the snow storm Sunday night and drove to the train station so that I wouldn't be late for work Monday morning.  I brushed it off and continued my work.  I should mention here that none of the other interns came to work on Monday, and not only did I came in, but I was there 2 hours before any of my bosses showed up.

Finally, one of my bosses said she had my evaluation on her desk and told me to pick it up when I left.  I thought that was kind of weird of them  not to go over it with me, but again, I brushed it off and continued my work.

That evaluation was not in my hand until I had my coat on and was ready to walk out the door.  I walked to the subway station and read it once I got on the train.  It was way too cold to have my hands anywhere but my pockets while I waited.  I skimmed the evaluation and saw a bunch of 3s circled.  3 means "meets standard."  I wasn't too happy about that, because, I can honestly say, even when I slack off at something, its still better than average.  I'm just that kind of over achiever.  But then I noticed every single category had 3s circled...things like overall job performance, professional behavior, knowledge of the industry, etc. etc.  There's a space to fill in comments about each category and I think unless you get the highest ranking (a 4, which means, exceeds standard), you have room to improve and filling in the comment section is helpful.  I got to the last page, to the very last two categories...work ethic and supervision, and they had circled....2s!!!  A 2 means does not meet standard.

I will put my work ethic on everything.

I was utterly shocked.  No one has ever, ever said I didn't do good work.  They may not have liked me, or said I am too quiet, or even said I have a problem showing up to work on time, but I do amazing work.  My work ethic cannot be touched!  I was too angry to go home after reading that, so I walked around Herald Square for a little while, hoping the window displays at Macy's might cheer me up.  I finally walked home and was feeling so unsettled.  There's nothing like giving your all and being told it doesn't meet standards.  Who's standards are we even talking about here?!

In the past I've been told by just about all of my bosses that I need to learn to speak up for myself.  I debated this one.  Should I say something to these crazy bosses that think I don't meet their standard?  Is it worth it?  If I don't meet their standard then, their standard cannot be met, thats for sure.  I won't even talk about the countless times I've been given extra work because they didn't finish their own job and needed my help to get it done.  

I got up the courage Tuesday afternoon while I was at Internship #1 and sent the two girls who did my evaluation an e-mail.  I tried to keep it as professional as possible and left my feelings out of it.  I told them I did not understand their choice to give me 2s and that in order for me to improve, I need to understand what I've done wrong.  Immediately after sending it I got two auto-reply responses from each of their e-mail addresses that they will be out of the office until January 5 and to have a happy holiday.

And now, I'm left to await their response.  And I'm wracking my brain over what is wrong with my work ethic..

The conversation steered towards my ever out of reach girl to be the big A&R chick.  He offered his views on the situation, saying A&R positions were sort of fading out, and its the type of thing you do in addition to something else.  I totally get where he's coming from, have heard it before, and have thought about it myself.  He showed me a long list of people that are A&Ring some projects and pointed out that although they're doing that, their titles are things like Manager or CEO.  

He went into music-industry-nerd details that I ate up with a spoon but won't divulge here, and I asked more questions.  I explained what it is about A&R that appeals to me so much which is this:  I love the idea of developing an artist from scratch.  I love taking that artist and guiding them, creating a niche for them within the genre, picking out songs that I feel best showcase their talents, developing their personalities into an image, pushing that artist during recording sessions to the point where they hate me, and then walking away with an amazing record.  Vin looked at me and said that sounded like management.

The funny thing is, people have been telling me to be a manager for YEARS.  I HATE the entire idea, and I told him that.  He said he was surprised to hear that, I'm not really sure why (does something about me scream manager?).  I think I'd be a horrible manager...for one thing, I can be pretty selfish and no one gets in the way of my sleep, so that means if I had an artist who was stuck in Alaska (with Ms. Sarah Palin!) at 2 AM, that artist can hang out until I roll out of bed the next morning.  

The conversation neared an end and I said something along the lines of, "I really need to figure out what else I want to do because A&R looks like its becoming a dual role.  I just have to come to terms with that"  And Vin said this, something that sounded insignificant at the time, but that I will probably carry with me forever.

He said: "People can pick up on negative vibes, and if you've given up inside, but are still looking outwardly, people will still be able to tell your heart's not in it.  Don't let anything stand in the way of your dream, no matter how crazy or how hard it is, you'll get there"

And so, onward I go.