Last night I dreamt about my grandmother. I never get to talk to her in my dreams, or touch her, or hear her voice. I only see her, and its always as if she is blissfully unaware of her presence in my psyche. I dream about her fairly often and I always awake from these dreams feeling sick with the remembrance that she is no longer physically here with me. I feel that I got into college solely on the essay I wrote about her (particularly since my SAT scores were sub-par), in which I recounted my life long comparison of her to a butterfly. I thought of her this way because late in her life, she decided to take her fate into her own hands and really started living. She did what she wanted to, and filled her calendar with new and exciting things.
My grandmother was one of my biggest critics when it came to my career choice. It wasn't that she didn't respect music or the arts in general, she was a great music lover and an outstanding artist. I'm not sure what it was. I'm left only with the idea that she may have though I wasn't serious about this, or that maybe the passion wasn't there. As my time in college went by, I think she started to see that my whole heart was in this. I remember visiting her one day, and there was a record player in her living room, just for me. I think that was when she understood I was serious. I even sat in that same living room with her later that year, and talked for a good hour or two about Hip-Hop, why I love and hate it, and why I don't see myself doing anything else. She seemed so delighted to have this conversation with me, and she quickly became my number one fan. She too, worked in New York City a very long time ago, at a radio station, and I loved hearing her tell this story. She adored this place, and I think was most happy that I did too.
Most of the time, when I was struggling on the road into the music industry, she was always in my mind. I wanted to give up plenty of times, but I couldn't let my biggest-critic-turned-biggest-fan see me falter. She was so excited about what I was doing and what lay ahead of me; she kept me motivated more than she could have ever known. I stayed on track because I wanted her to keep rooting for me, and to no longer question my passion. And as my dissatisfaction with my internship becomes increasingly more difficult to ignore, I need her cheering for me now more than ever.
She is rooting for you even if you can't see her or hear her. Your dream is a sign that she is still with you. Don't get discouraged, shine for your grandma.