Intern Chick

It’s a beautiful night in New York City tonight. The thickness that’s been in the air for the past few weeks has subsided, but that comforting warmth of summer still wraps around you the moment you step outside. Most nights when I get out of work I practically run to the train station so that I can get home and get in bed. Tonight, though, I lingered a little. I left the office later than usual, and I walked through Rockefeller Center to get to Grand Central. Usually I avoid tourist attractions at all costs, but there was something calm and peaceful about it tonight. Maybe because it was almost 9:00 on a Tuesday night, and the only people still wandering around don’t have to travel to far to go home. I almost wanted to stay even longer, just to walk around the city and take everything in. I realized that pretty soon I’ll be living just a few blocks from work and I can linger all I want. I realized that when that day comes, I’ll probably just want to get away from New York.
I’m getting pretty close to the day where I will have no more excuses as to why I have not moved in to my apartment yet. The shelves have been cleared, the floors scrubbed, I’ve broken every last nail on my fingertips lifting boxes and washing walls. Even the thick smell of incense that hits you as soon as you unlock the front door has subsided. What was once a dark space filled with chaos and bits and pieces of memories long gone is now a bright yet serene apartment, filled with the scent of a fresh start.

Perhaps its because usually I have a set date that I’m moving out of one place and into another, and I have time to mentally prepare. It could be because I am truly terrified of what I’ve waited my whole life for, but I just don’t think that’s it. Whatever it is, I can say something inside me is just not ready to live in that apartment. I don’t think it’s the actual living there that’s getting to me either, I think its what it will mean for me.

My mind is racing with what-ifs. What if I’m not good at it? What if I never find a job? What if I don’t have enough money? What if I want to go home? What if I don’t want to? What if I just plain can’t do it? I feel like I have to grow up overnight. Everything else was just temporary and this is semi-permanent.